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Nothing says, “I love you” like a barney. According to a study of 192 couples over 17 years by the University of Michigan in the US, couples who fight live longer. Researchers purport that suppressing your feelings ups your risk of an early death. So, it’s OK to argue. Problem is, says psychologist Dr John Gottman, couples get it wrong when they enlist what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Want to live a long and happy life – together? Avoid these sayings and fight the good fight.

1 “I give up”

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship? “I often ask this of couples who are stuck in intractable positions,” says psychologist Dr Robin Smith, author of Lies at The Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages ($24.99, Hyperion Press). “They almost always say, ‘We want a relationship’.” Dr Gottman’s research into what makes a marriage last found a key predictor is whether you’re open to your partner’s influence. Not to their control, but to their input. Example: he says peach is a bad choice for the nursery. Please, listen to him.

2 “But Dr Phil/Oprah/Tyra said…”

Cue eye roll. “It’s a bit patronising, like he’s a student without a clue and you’re playing teacher,” says relationship counsellor Eric Hudson. Besides, the only opinions that count are yours and his. Oh, and maybe the WH experts’.

3 “This is just like the time you…”

“Unless it’s relevant to the current issue, don’t dredge up old arguments,” advises couples counsellor Natalie Rinehart, author of The Organics of Relationships ($36.99, Michelle Anderson). If you’re getting off track, call a time-out until you’re both calm and can refocus
on key points.

4 “Aren’t you going to say sorry?”

“If you demand an apology you’ll never know if he is actually sorry,” says psychologist Dr Traci Coventry. “By saying this, you’re also assuming he’s at fault. Usually, in a heated argument, both parties are equally to blame for any hurtful words. If he is at fault, give him time to think and respond/grovel in his own way.”

5 “You’re acting just like my ex”

“On par with, ‘You’re just like your mother’,” says Rinehart. It’s a no-no to compare your partner with anyone – exes, porn stars, Carlos Spencer in the Toffee Pop ads. “Maybe he’s heard your derogatory comments about the ex before. This is one of the red flags described by Dr Gottman: criticism,” says Hudson. If you have to criticise, save it for his cooking.

6 “I hate you”

Never, ever, drop the H-bomb. You can’t take it back, warns Rinehart. “I see a new relationship like a shiny sphere: it’s so beautiful you can’t take your eyes off it. As time goes by, it gets dings in it, making it less shiny.” The word “hate” is a dent that’s hard to buff.

7 “F*ck you”

Don’t ever drop the F word either. Your partner may put up a defence so high, a Russian pole-vaulter couldn’t get over it. “It’s like throwing petrol on an open flame – it will make the fight escalate, rather than lead to a positive outcome,” says Hudson.

8 (Nothing)

The silent treatment. It’s about as effective as a cheap umbrella in windy Wellington. “Stonewalling is classic passive-aggressive behaviour,” explains Rinehart. “It’s a power thing that keeps your partner in a holding pattern, because he can’t get closer to solving the problem until you want to.” So snap out of it – stop sulking and start talking.

9 “I don’t understand what the big deal is”

Of course you don’t. You don’t think the same way. He thinks pilates is someone from Greek mythology. But you don’t need to say it in a fight. Instead, try, “I didn’t intend for my actions to make you feel this way. What can we do about it to make you feel better?” suggests Rinehart.

10 “You didn’t used to be like this”

Sure, he once opened beer bottles with his toes and danced to Smooth Criminal on tables. But people change. “This is a destructive – not constructive – argument; your partner will feel attacked and will likely retaliate,” says Coventry. If you need to comment on a change in his attitude, use “I” (positive) language rather than “you” (negative) language. For example, “I’m feeling that you don’t want to go out anymore – can we talk about it?”

Souce: Women’s Health